“But I Still Love Them…” – When You Miss the Person Who Hurt You
Let’s Talk About It
There’s something survivors don’t always say out loud—especially after experiencing abuse:
💬 “She hurt me… but I still love her. She was my best friend.”
At Regina’s Safe Alliance, we hear this all the time. The person who caused harm wasn’t a stranger—it was someone they trusted, loved, and maybe even built a life with. And when that relationship ends, the grief is real—because it’s not just about the harm.
It’s about the connection that once felt real.
You Can Love Someone and Still Walk Away
Love doesn’t just disappear when someone becomes unsafe.
You can feel hurt and still hold on to good memories.
You can be angry and still miss them.
That doesn’t mean you want to go back—it means your heart remembers what it hoped for.
And that’s okay.
Grieving What Could Have Been
When a relationship ends due to abuse, it’s more than just losing a person—it’s the loss of a dream.
Survivors often grieve the future they imagined:
✅ The safety
✅ The connection
✅ The version of love they believed in
It’s okay to mourn that.
It’s okay to miss what felt good—even when you know it wasn’t safe.
When Guilt Shows Up After the Hurt
For many survivors, guilt is one of the hardest emotions to untangle.
You may find yourself asking:
🔹 “Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
🔹 “How did I not see it?”
🔹 “What does that say about me?”
You gave someone your trust. You tried to love them through the chaos. But their actions do not erase your worth.
Transforming Guilt Into Growth
This kind of guilt often runs deeper than regret.
Sometimes, it’s not just about what you did or didn’t do—it’s about what the relationship pulled you into.
➡ Trauma bonds create intense emotional highs and lows that can be mistaken for love—or become fused with it.
➡ You may have gone against your values to keep the peace.
➡ You may have withdrawn from people who cared about you.
➡ You may have emptied yourself trying to fix something that continued to hurt you.
And when it ends, it can feel like everything you gave—your time, your heart, your hope—was wasted.
But here’s the truth:
💡 Guilt can be a catalyst for growth.
And you can re-channel it into something that helps you move forward.
Take a Moment for You
A quiet space to explore what your guilt is trying to teach you.
Take a few minutes and complete these prompts:
✍️ I feel guilty about…
✍️ What that guilt is showing me is…
✍️ Now, I want to use that understanding to…
Examples:
🔹 I feel guilty for not leaving sooner.
➡ What that guilt is showing me is how much I was hoping for something different.
➡ Now, I want to use that understanding to be more patient with myself.
🔹 I feel guilty for going back to them.
➡ What that guilt is showing me is how much I needed love and reassurance.
➡ Now, I want to use that understanding to create safety within myself first.
This is your healing journey. Go gently.
Love for a Harmful Person Is Complex
Breaking an unhealthy attachment—especially one formed in trauma—can feel like trying to break an addiction. It’s emotionally complex, physically draining, and often requires time, support, and self-compassion.
You don’t have to rush through this process.
Need a Mental Health Professional to Work With?
At Regina’s Safe Alliance, we support survivors at every stage of healing with trauma therapy and advocacy services.
📌 If you live in Georgia and have an incident report related to a crime or act of violence, you may be eligible for up to 30 free trauma therapy sessions through the Criminal Justice Coordinating Council (CJCC).
Reach Out. You Don’t Have to Do This Alone.
If you are a survivor of crime in need of support, please contact us:
📧 Email: info@ReginaSafeAlliance.org
📞 Toll-Free: (888) 919-0061
📞 Local Georgia: (404) 936-9455
Healing is a journey, and seeking help is a courageous step toward recovery.
💙 You’re not alone. Support is available.
